Monday, July 16, 2007
Note to self: Don't use Axe Body Spray
How are you feeling? Swell I hope. My feelings are rollercoaster-y. As you may have surmised from my last post, I was on the verge of cancelling my kissing date with Trudy (she's that bank teller I like?) because Damien (my mortal enemy and Trudy's ex) warned me that he implanted some nano robots in her mouth that would knock my teeth out and give me AIDS. Oh. And they would make all future hot dogs taste like pee. Anyweird, I decided NOT to cancel the date because "Jesus Christ always keeps his promises." (While catchy, that tagline can be difficult to live by at times. Why didn't I come up with a tagline like, "You have a friend in the diamond business"?) However, while I wasn't going to cancel the date, that did NOT mean I was going to kiss Trudy on the mouth and risk a life of illness, and dislike of hot dogs. And gumming those hot dogs. Instead of riding our bikes back to her house, where we would eat Nutty Buddies on her stoop, I would feign some sort of emergency, and dash away into the night.
As always, my plan neglected to go as planned.
First of all, apparently I wore too much Axe Body Spray, and the managers kicked Trudy and I out of the theater. Secondly, Trudy's bike tire had a flat, and I had to give her a ride home on my handlebars. Thirdly, it was hot, so Trudy and I broke into a motel pool for a late night swim. Fourthly, she was all wet and pretty, and looking into my eyes, and I started feeling all woozy in my head, and our lips got closer and closer until I suddenly came to my senses and screamed, "NANO ROBOTS!" And fifthly, I swam away as fast as I could.
"Oh, for the love of… what NOW?" Trudy exclaimed.
"Fact or fiction: You have nano robots in your mouth."
"Ummm… I believe that would be fiction," she said. "What in the world are you talking about?"
"Someone informed me that you and I shouldn't kiss because you have nano robots in your mouth that would disintegrate my teeth, make hot dogs taste like urine… and… and… that's kind of ridiculous, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Trudy said. "It kind of is. And that 'someone' you're talking about is Damien, isn't it?"
"Is that also why you stink of Axe Body Spray?"
"Swim back over here," she said.
"Look," she said. "I don't know what's going to happen with you and me. Maybe we'll date, maybe we'll stay friends, but I'm only going to say this once. Damien was a mistake—and maybe I dated him because I thought you never would like me. But things are different now. I'm fine with the way things are between you and me. Okay? That means if we need to take things slow, then we…"
That's when I kissed her. On the mouth.
It was nice, and confusing, and exciting, and I don't know what's going to happen with me and Trudy—but I'll always remember the two of us in that pool. Her looking so pretty and me kissing her. On the mouth.
And not a single nano robot got in.
(I know, because I ate a hot dog when I got home.)