Monday, July 23, 2007
Face! Facial! Bioré!
HELLO. Where's it at, fruit bat? Today I am feeling VINDICATED, because not only has the new Harry Potter book been released, but I also totally "faced" Rev. Sparkle (he's the pastor of the Victory Baptist Church who thinks I mugged him when I was really only asking for $500 so I could get an iPhone). Do you know what "faced" means? Getting "faced" is when you really burn somebody, and yell, "FACE!" But if you super burn somebody, then you can yell, "FACIAL!" And if you super-duper-duper burn somebody, you can yell, "BIORÈ!" (Which are like, those nose cleaning strips.) Thought you'd like to know!
Anyway, to recap: I was standing in line outside the bookstore for like almost a week waiting for the new Harry Potter book to hit the shelves, and was having a really nice time with all my new Potterphile friends, when all of a sudden that buzz-kill Rev. Sparkle walked up and started accusing everybody of being Satanists and delving in "witchery" just because Harry Potter has a wizard or two. So I hit him with a "FACE!" and then a "FACIAL!" and Rev. Sparkle got so mad, he promised to return later with a bunch of his meaty Christian friends to do something… I don't know what. Maybe bore us to death?
Anywuggle, this got everybody in line REALLY NERVOUS, and they were afraid something bad was going to happen, and they wouldn't get their Harry Potter books. (Now, to you, this may not mean much—but to these people, missing out on the final Harry Potter book is like President Bush not getting to bomb Iraq. It's a big deal.) And I felt like everyone was looking to me to save the day, because I was the one who gave Rev. Sparkle a facial. (Hmmm… that sounds PMF-y for some reason.) But here's the thing: I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUT OF LINE. I'd been there all week, and I certainly didn't want to lose my place. On the other hand, take one look at these Potter people, and you'll know they aren't exactly… oh, how shall I put this? Equipped to deal with conflict. Therefore… I devised a plan.
It was just about an hour before the Harry Potter books went on sale, and right on cue, here comes Rev. Sparkle with a throng of crazy Christian supporters, waving signs, clogging the sidewalks and spilling out into the streets. This was not good, because the cops could come along, and make EVERYBODY go home—which I'm sure was Rev. Sparkle's intention.
"HARRY POTTER IS THE STICKY BYPRODUCT OF THE DEVIL," screamed Sparkle and his minions. "REPENT NOW, OR FACE WHAT WILL SURELY BE AN ETERNITY OF BATHING IN A LAKE OF FIRE, AND DRYING WITH SCRATCHY TOWELS PROVIDED BY SATAN'S UNRELIABLE STAFF!" (I'm telling you, this Rev. Sparkle guy is weird.)
That's when the trumpets started to blare.
It was an incredibly loud blast of noise that may have been enough to drive the Christians to their knees, but we'll never know for sure—because when I came floating down from the sky, they were on their knees faster than a Catholic school choir boy. (PMF.)
(Note: It really is easy to fool Christians with a loud sound system, some dramatic lighting, and a rope and pulley system attached to a flag pole. As a group, they're a bit gullible.)
I was no longer in my wizard outfit, but decked out in my shiniest, whitest Jesus robes, with a neon halo attached to my head. And thanks to my microphone, and the reverb on the sound system turned up to 8, my voice was booming.
"THE END IS NIGH!" I yelled at the crowd. "IT IS THE RAPTURE, AND I SHALL NOW TAKE ALL GOOD CHRISTIANS UP TO HEAVEN TO MEET GOD, MY HOLY FATHER. ARE THOU PREPARED TO MEET THY MAKER?"
"Yes!!" cried the Christians.
"GOOD! FIRST OF ALL TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!"
"What?" they asked.
"THERE IS NO NEED FOR CLOTHES IN HEAVEN! REMOVE THEM!"
Reluctantly, they did as I asked.
"I AM PLEASED WITH YOUR NAKEDNESS!" (No, I wasn't.) NOW, RUN DOWN TO THE RIVER, AND JUMP IN. YOU MUST BE CLEAN TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN! AND THEN, WHEN YOU'RE DONE THERE, RUN HOME, MAKE A BUNCH OF SANDWICHES OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR, AND GIVE THEM TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER. YOU DON'T NEED SANDWICHES IN HEAVEN! FOLLOWING THAT, DO 27 JUMPING JACKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, AND SAY, "TAKE ME GOD, TAKE ME! I AM READY TO FLY TO HEAVEN." AND IF YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD CHRISTIAN, WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT. NOW… GO!!"
And off they ran—even Rev. Sparkle—down to the river. Hope they got that sewer overflow problem fixed.
Anyway, the Harry Potter crowd loved my performance, and even carried me around on their shoulders for awhile. That was fun. But I think the part I liked best is when the bookstore owner gave me the very first copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. That was super nice. But you know what? To tell the truth, I'm not the biggest Harry Potter fan, so I gave it to the person who was in the very back of the line, and then I left. I had done what I came to do: Make some new friends, and make a couple people happy. Besides, if I didn't leave right then, I wouldn't get a picture of a naked Rev. Sparkle handing out sandwiches at the homeless shelter! (Now I can BLACKMAIL him for an iPhone! Hee… hee… hee…)
Oh yeah… BIORÈ!