HELLO. Are you good? Me, I'm CONCERNED. So this afternoon I was getting ready for my big date with Trudy (she's a bank teller!) tonight in which I plan to kiss her hard… on the mouth! I gargled for 37 minutes with Listerene, ate 29 tins of Altoids, and was on my third stick of Old Spice deodorant when there was a knock on my door.
DAMIEN.
Regular readers of this blog know that Damien is my arch-nemesis and dated Trudy for a while, until she watched me play on the high school football team and got appropriately bamboozled. Anyway, he came to my door:
"Damien! What are YOU doing here?" I asked.
"Well, first of all I should ask if any of those shirtless high school football players are around. I really didn't appreciate being thrown into that dumpster."
"Well…" I said, "I didn't appreciate you going far out of your way to screw up my life—so why don't you cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it?"
Snap.
"Look, hippie," he said, getting all red in the face. "I'll get to the point. I don't want you kissing Trudy on your date tonight."
WHAAAAA???
"How did you know I was planning on kissing Trudy?"
"I read it on your stupid blog, you idiot."
"Oh…. Well, so what?" I said. "Trudy doesn't like you anymore, in case you didn't get the memo. She likes ME."
"Well, I see that as a temporary arrangement. Sooner or later she'll realize that she wants a man—not a 2000-year-old hobo with holes in his hands."
"They're in my wrists, jerk. PMF."
"Whatever. If you know what's good for you, tonight you'll keep your big stupid lips to yourself."
"Or what?"
"Or you're really, really, really going to regret it," he said with a surprising amount of menace in his voice.
"Or… WHAT?" I responded.
"Okay. Fine. I wasn't going to tell you this, and if you say anything about it to Trudy, I'll deny it. Biological nano bots."
What?
"Biological nano robots," he said. "Teeny tiny cybernetic devices which I planted in Trudy's mouth, and that can only be activated by me. If you kiss Trudy, I will bring my creatures to life, and order them to infiltrate your mouth, where they will cause an insurmountable amount of damage."
"What kind of damage?"
"First… they make all your teeth fall out. Then they'll screw around with your taste buds, making any hot dog you eat taste like pee-pee. Oh, yeah. Then they'll give you AIDS."
"Goodbye, Damien," I said, and slammed the door in his face.
I'll admit he almost had me. But c'mon! What kind of mini-robot can make a hot dog taste like pee? I mean… really.
On the other hand… he does have an uncle who is nano robotic biologist at Harvard. And Damien does have ties to the government, and certain black ops military units. And he knows I'm scared of AIDS. Oh, wow… WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I was totally going to kiss Trudy on the mouth, but there's no way I'm going to give up hot dogs to do it! And I need my teeth! And I don't need AIDS! My perfect plan is falling apart!! Maybe I can just stick my finger in her mouth again. No… the nano bots will enter through my fingernail! And what if she tries to kiss me? I'll have to shove my Nutty Buddy into her mouth to defend myself!
That's it. I'M CANCELLING THE DATE. I like Trudy and everything, but living the rest of my life with AIDS, no teeth and the perpetual taste of urine in my mouth is just not worth it!
DARN YOU, DAMIEN! IF YOU'RE READING THIS… WELL… I'M GOING TO INVENT A NANO ROBOT THAT'LL MAKE YOUR ICE CREAM TASTE LIKE POOPY!
(PMF!)
SO THERE!!!
(sob.)
16 comments:
Jesus Christ! Don't cancel! If you're that worried, just don't kiss her. But I'd tell her what Damien said so the two of you could have a good laugh at his expense. Just a "You won't believe what Damien told me today!" kind of thing. That also has the added bonus of making Damien look really immature in Trudy's eyes.
jesus crist, you're an idiot (no offence) (PMF). that's obviously what damien wants you to do. he didn't really plant robots in trudy's mouth, that's stupid (PMF).
JC, Damien is SO lying to you. Stick to the plan. Enjoy your kiss! No mouth-dwelling nanobot (if there were such a thing) could survive a Nutty Buddy attack.
Smoochity-smooch!
Jesus,
Since when are you afraid of some little dingleberry nut-sack of a Damien? (PMF,PMF)
He is just blowing smoke up your patoot (PMF) and you are playing right into his grimy little hands!
pLEASE DON'T CANCEL
YOUR DATE WITH TRUDY(the bank teller), whatever you do!
I agree with Marcia. Do exactly as she says and you will come out on top! Trudy will see that you are no push-over and will admire you for that----she will probably even kiss you when she realizes how confident you are.
Good Luck and may Your Father bless you!
JC,
He's totally lying to you. I'm sure of it. I can't prove it, but I'm absolutely 100% sure he is making the whole nano-bot thing up. I'm not saying they don't exist, i'm just saying he doesn't have access to them. He works at the bank for Your Sake!! And I don't think nano-bots can mess with your taste buds. I think they can get into your brain though and make you do crazy things and go BERZERK. I love that word. So does my friend Big Headed Jen. She has actually been known to go berzerk, and her behavior is a good example of the definition of the word. She once beat up a car with a wrench. Total berzerk moment. OH YOUR DAD, I bet she had nano-bots in her brain. Maybe that's why her head is so big. I gotta go.
Burrito
p.s. Do the tongue dude, it's not gross, chicks love a little tongue with the kiss. Don't stick your whole tongue down her throat though, they don't like that. Trust me.
I wasn't joking about the nano-robots, freak, but don't think they're the big guns, Mr. Christie. I didn't want to go here, because of your past and all that drama, but if you even start to think about going to second base with Trudy, I'm going to have you crucified. AGAIN. By my people. In the government.
Ouch, dude. YOU know what I'm sayin'.
2 words: Dental Dam.
I'm just sayin'
google it.
jesus, i have it on good authority that the holy spirit has got your back on this one. (she told me as we were in line at the minimart to get ciggies...)
and what with all the listerine and altoids, you are totally immune to nanobots.
go for it!
I'm praying to the real Jesus for you Jesus......how old are you anyway? I think pretty much anyone over the age of 15 or so has had a kiss (with tongue). What's up with that?
ADO
Anonymous Dog Owner what do you mean "pray to the real Jesus" he is the real Jesus. You're freaking me out. Take it back. Why you wanna come all up in here and start this S-word? (PMF)
I'm watchin you.
JC bro, I got yer back.
Peace out.
BM
Hey Dog Ower,
I am praying to the REAL Jesus on this cool blog that you get a clue. Why did you have to go there? I agree with Burrito - TAKE IT BACK! Visualize me pointing my index and middle finger on my right hand up towards my eyes and then out at YOU! Knock it off, bro.
It's ok, I'll pretend that it was just becasue you ate some bad meat or something. It will be cool again.
BTW, Hello Jesus. Hope you are having a good evening. I wanted to thank you for my friend Shelley's aunt Margret not getting hit by a beet truck during harvest when everyone thought she was missing. Amen
So? Did you kiss her? OMG (PMF) I need to know!
OUCH! Jesus, remember when you said it was the other Jesus that was at the hospital with my uncle? THAT's the other Jesus I'm praying to.....for you! It's a good thing....right?
Burrito and Big Headed Jen - it's all good - everyone can use a prayer or two.....even Jesus!
Darn those nano robots anyway.
1) Thank you Marcia! You are smart.
2) No thank you, Daniel. You are mean.
3) Thank you, J2. (Are Nutty Buddies poison to nano bots?)
4) Thank you Sammie. (For agreeing with Marcia.)
5) Thank you Burrito. But no tongue.
6) Ugh. I'd get you blocked from my site, but you'd get nano bots to crawl back in.
7) Thank you. Response deleted.
8) Two words: Thank you.
9) Thank you ohchicken. I like your name.
10) 2006. Thank you.
11) Thank you Burrito. No fighting, though.
12) I don't have anything to do with beet trucks, but thank you.
13) Read the latest post, and on a side note: Thank you!
14) You're confusing me. But thank you!
no i'm not
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