Monday, July 9, 2007

Come to vacation bible school.

Hello! How are you? I am EXHAUSTED! Another exciting day for ol' "J.C." (See, I was watching Magnum, P.I. and I really like the character "T.C." so I've decided I want people to call ME by my initials, too. Also, I think I'll learn how to fly a helicopter.) So I woke up this morning with a real "hankerin'" for a Chick-o-Stick, right? But as I was riding my bike to the 7-11, I heard this busload of kids approaching, and they were all singing out of the windows, "COME TO VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL, COME TO VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL!"
So I yelled back, "NO THANKS!"
And they yelled back, "WHY NOT?"
Obviously tired of yelling, one of the kids said, "Ehh, there's not so much bible. Mostly it's just arts and crafts and games and cookies and Kool-Aid."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?" I yelled. "I'M IN!"

So I hopped on the bus, and guess where it took us? To the Victory Baptist Church! (See Friday's post for the ridiculous story of that.) I was about to take off, but I figured two things: 1) I might find some money lying around I could use to buy an iPhone, and 2) I love cookies and Kool-Aid. I was following the kids into the classroom, when the teacher approached me.
"Oh, my goodness! You're dressed up like Jesus," she giggled.
"Ummm… yeah."
"Did Reverend Sparkle send you?"
"Mmmm… noooo… I'm here because of the kids, actually," I said.
"Oh, that's why I'm here, too," she said. "It's so important to introduce them to Christ at an early age."
"Well… HERE I AM!"
"Indeed you are! And you're a dead ringer, I might add. Would you tell the children a Jesus story?"
"Ummm… sure. It's the only kind I know."
"You are funny. OKAY CHILDREN!" she announced. "We have a very special guest for you today, who will be sharing with us a Jesus story. So gather 'round."

After the kids settled down, I said, "Oh-kay. So what kind of story would you like to hear?"
One little boy piped up, "How about the one where you fed the multitudes with one loaf of bread and a fish?"
"Actually, it wasn't a multitude. It was around 8 people. And it was a potluck, so in reality there was plenty of food. Too much, actually. We threw a lot of it away."
The teacher said in a rather stern voice, "Well… JESUS. Why don't you relate the story of how you calmed the great storm and saved the disciples. OKAY?"
"Ugh. I hate that story," I said. "Totally bogus. It was barely raining, and those guys in the boat were so drunk, they started to panic. So I yelled, 'PEACE! BE STILL!' so they would stop rocking the stupid boat. They did, and eventually passed out I think. I don't really remember. OH! Have you ever heard the one about 'the hook killer of lover's lane'? It didn't happen to me, but it totally happened to some friends of some friends of mine…"

At this point, I noticed the teacher running out of the room, but I just thought she had to go to the can, or something. So I kept telling the story, and eventually I got to the part where I was showing the kids my fake clothes hanger "hook" sticking out of my sleeve, and saying, "And the hook looked just… like… THIS!!!"
Everybody was screaming and yelling, and that's about when the same deacon who threw me out on Friday ran in and he threw me out again! (Does this guy ever sleep?)

This getting "thrown out of church" business is starting to get BORING. And twice in one week? And I didn't even get a dad-darned sugar cookie! (PMF!) What's wrong with my stories, anyway? Maybe I should've told them the one about Trudy (the bank teller) sticking her finger in my mouth.


None Given said...

Dear Jesus,

Even though it's been a rough couple of days for you, getting kicked out of places and such, I think it's AWESOME that you seem to find your way into all sorts of situations with all different kinds of people. I guess maybe it really is true, that whenever two or more people are gathered, you are there.


adriann said...

jesus, I love you, and your stories make me happy. I am sorry you were thrown out of bible camp, but I have been to several and they were never worth staying for.

Burrito Martinez said...

I got thrown out of bible camp when i was 9 years old because I through a rock really hard into a fresh runny cow pie and splashed a bunch of stupid city kids who were gathered around it looking at it like it was the 8th wonder. I also spied on the counselors making out at night around the campfire and drinking.
Bible camp is cool! I don't know s-word about the bible though.
Your buddy,
ps you got your green card or not??

Sammie said...

Dear J.C.,
I like the sound of your new name. It certainly seems like you can find different ways to get into trouble! You make it look SO EASY! I remember Vacation Bible School like it was yesterday.
What I liked best were the breaks when they gave us cookies and store-bought milk. I grew up on a farm and had to drink real cows' milk (as opposed the the pasteurized kind).
I didn't think it was as good as what you got in the store.
I vaguely remember hearing stories about you, but I mainly remember drinking the milk. Oh yeah, I also remember not being EJECTED from Bible School!
Some people have all the luck!
I really admire you for your diversity!
(To tell the truth, I like your modern stories better)
I hope you can find a Bible school with good milk and more receptive preachers! Don't give up!
Your friend,

LeLo in NoPo said...

What?! You didn't even get to stay for arts and crafts? No Eye of God? No crosses made from burnt matchsticks? No faux leather boxes made from cigar boxes covered in masking tape and rubbed with brown shoe polish??! Oh Jesus, I'm sorry you couldn't stay and play with the kids. Or sing....
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
(sing with me!)...

Your friend,

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

JC. JC. JC. I have been calling you JC since the beginning of time. I kept waiting for you to start rhyming so I can add MC in front of JC but it's like one of the talents you did not get from your Dad so I gave up. Anyway, I love Kool-Aid. I am a KAD (kool-aid drinker)!!!!

The Ichthyophile said...

Did you get to sing any VBS songs?
It would be cool if you sang "Jesus Loves Me" then you could sing "I love me, this I know!...Yes I love meeeee!...Yes I love meeeee!"

Aimee said...

Nothing is wrong with your stories, Jesus. In fact, that one about Trudy and the finger remains one of my all-time favorites (though the TRUTH about the potluck of plenty is pretty sweet too). Never change, son of God. I love you.

Jesus H. Christ said...

I love my hook story.

1) Yeah, my life is kinda weird like that.
3) Ha! I LOVE that cowpie joke! It never gets old!
4) I'll happily take suggestions for any vacation bible schools — but they have to have Kool-Aid.
5) I missed song time, too? POOH!
6) Do they still make that Goofy Grape flavor?
7) I missed song time AND craft time AND snack time!! I hate my stinking life!
8) I should tell you about the time I played ding-dong ditch on Pilate. But actually… that didn't end so well.

No Relation said...

Who dares to judge the Saviour!?

You're O.K. by me, J.C.

The Witty Mulatto said...

Hey babyJesus,
I read about your adventures in the Stranger and just hopped on over here. It brings a tear to my eye that you were so kind to those children, and tried to lead them in the Right Way.

Arms said...

" Maybe I should've told them the one about Trudy (the bank teller) sticking her finger in my mouth. "

She did? Damn, I missed that one. It must 've been HOT! How was it?


Derek Murphy said...

I love this blog! So much fun!