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Hello! How are you? I am feeling grateful for all of your good advice regarding this Damien situation. (If you're just joining us, I'm mad at my "friend" Damien for tricking me into giving up second base on my softball team, and so I asked everybody to help me decide how to re-trick him back.) Based on your comments, many of you think I should either hit him hard with plagues of locusts (Which is an impossibility… what am I? The Aquaman of locusts?) or "turn the other cheek." That probably would be the "Christian" thing to do. Luckily for me, I'm not a Christian. As far as I'm concerned, Christianity is just some weird religion people made up about a bunch of fibs that other Christians said I did. I don't even know what "turn the other cheek" means. That's why I'm voting for… TRICKERY! (Thanks for your ideas, though, and I really do like you.)
So here's how the trickery is going to work, okay? All I have to do is find something that Damien wants more than second base, right? And that's a pizza date with Trudy, the bank teller (she works at the bank)! As previously mentioned in this blog, he really digs "Trudy's booty" (his French, not mine), and so I called him up and asked him flat out: "Damien, if I convince Trudy to go out on a pizza date with you, can I have second base back?"
And he was all like, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm… okay."
"YAY!!!"
"On one condition…"
"Oh-oh…."
"Not only do I get a pizza date with Trudy," Damien said, "She also has to kiss me on the mouth."
"NO PROBLEM," I said. This is gonna be easy!
Although as it turned out, it wasn't so easy, because a) The softball game is this Sunday, and the pizza date would have to be tomorrow night, and b) Trudy thinks Damien is gross. In fact, when I brought up the idea at the mall food court today, she gave me this funny look like I had hurt her feelings or something. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. All we're doing is tricking Damien into thinking she likes him. Besides, she had no problem sticking her finger in my mouth (see my earlier blog post) so why is it such a big deal to eat a slice with Damien and peck him on the lips? After all, second base is at stake.
Anyway, she said she'd do it, and then left suddenly saying she had to get back to work.
What a gal, am I right? That is the true meaning of friendship, people, and if you'd do well to remember the kindness Trudy extended to me, and imitate her in your daily life. (In fact, they should make up a new religion called "Trudyism.") Anyway, I definitely owe Trudy a big favor for this one, so the next time we meet for lunch, I'll buy her a Hot Dog on a Stick.
Big date's tomorrow! Stay tuned to see how it all works out! Oh, second base, I can already feel you underneath my cleated feet!
Hey. What's up. I'M MAD. And I'm mad at Damien! He's what you call a "feelings hurter," and I'm the one whose feelings he hurt. I've mentioned him before. He's the guy who works at Trudy's (she's a bank teller) bank, and plays on my softball team. Now as you know, I used to play second base, and I was good at it too! But Damien told the coach I would be a better shortstop, so I switched positions, and Damien took second. But as it turned out, I stunk at shortstop, so Coach demoted me to catcher—and Damien stayed on second! At the time Trudy told me Damien had planned the whole thing in order to get second, and he does tricky things like that all the time. I didn't believe her, but after what happened today? I'm thinking he's a real… a real… CREEP! (Pardon my French.)
Today at practice, I was catching and the batter hit a foul tip which cracked me right in the nose. (It didn't hurt as bad as two spikes through the wrists, but still….) Anyway, I decided I'd had enough. I went to Damien and was all like, "Damien. I like you. And I've been thinking a lot about it, and I like playing second base better."
And Damien was all like, "I see why you feel that way. Second base is awesome!"
And I was all like, "Right… but I really want to play second base. Can you please give it back to me?"
And he was all like, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… no."
"No?"
"Uh, yeah. I'm thinking… no."
And I was like, "But I want it."
And he was like, "Well, you can suck me." (PARDON HIS FRENCH!!)
Frankly I was speechless. Nobody ever speaks to me that way! But then it got worse.
"Look, Jesus. You're a nice kid," he said. "So why don't you turn around and walk your sweet little butt (Pardon him again!) back to homeplate. And remember… you catch the ball with your glove, not your nose. Dork."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY IN MY LIFE! (Not even after the spikes through the wrists thingy.) I just ran off the field, hopped on my bike and rode home as fast as possible. I don't like hating people, but you know what? I think I may hate Damien. In fact I think I might hate him so much that I want to GET HIM. Like, really get him!
That's where YOU come in.
I need a really tricky trick that will get me my second base back. But I'm not so good at trickery, so can you help me trick Damien into giving me second base back? It's got to be super clever, because he's good at spotting tricks. Please write your trick ideas in the comments section below. I know I don't ask you for help very much, and it feels weird. But Damien is a feelings hurter and he hurt my feelings. Please help me hurt Damien back.
How are you doing? As for me, I've decided to get "jiggy with it." I was very surprised to learn over this past weekend that I'm a big fan of Will Smith's music. Especially his rap music! Have you ever heard his rap? Quite impressive. However, apparently everyone doesn't think so. I played softball yesterday with Damien (he's the guy who Trudy accused of stealing my second base position), and he pooh-poohed Will Smith. "Oh, that guy hasn't done crap (Pardon his French) since he stabbed Jazzy Jeff in the back," said Damien.
"He killed Jazzy Jeff?" I asked.
"NO! Will Smith became a big TV and movie star, and kicked Jazzy Jeff to the curb!"
"He kicked Jazzy Jeff?"
For some reason Damien gets exasperated by our conversations, and once again he walked away. Regardless, I "wikied" Will Smith, and there's no mention of him killing or kicking Jazzy Jeff, therefore I still like him. Here are my favorite "Big Willie" rap numbers in descending order from the songs I like the most to the songs I like the least, which I guess is what "descending order" means.
1) "Wild, Wild West"—I really like this song the best, because he tells the entire story of the movie in the song, thereby saving me the $1.99 rental fee. Plus it also has that guy Sisco who sang the "Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong" song.
2) "Gettin' Jiggy With It"—It's important in this day and age to remember to get jiggy with things. Anything one does can be improved upon by adding jigginess, and the absence of jiggiosity is a sad thing indeed.
3) "Summertime"—This one has Jazzy Jeff in it (pre-kicked)! Plus it has great lines like, "Riding around in your jeep or your benzos/ Or in your nissan stting on lorenzos." Do you have any idea what that means? I don't. And yet? I love it!
4) "Miami"—This is a very fun song to sing, because it has Mexican language in it! There's this one part where he sings, "Welcome to Miami," and then this pretty-sounding girl sings, "BENVENIDOSAMIYAMI!" I say this phrase a lot, and I've never even been to "Mi Yami!"
5) "Parents Just Don't Understand"— Big Willy? You really speak the truth on this one. My dad is especially frustrating. One day I was at the mall with Trudy (she's a bank teller), and my dad spotted us going into Hot Topic. And he actually yelled down the concourse, "JESUS!! JESUS H. CHRIST!! You don't need anything from that store!" I mean, how would he know what I need, or what I don't need? I totally wanted a Green Day t-shirt from Hot Topic. What? IS THAT SOME KIND OF STUPID SIN OR SOMETHING? Anyway, whatever. So to all you kids all across the land? Ain't no need to argue, parents just don't understand.
That's all I have to say about that, except for two things in descending order from least important to most important: 1) Jazzy Jeff was not killed or kicked by Will Smith, and 2) Life is better when you got "Big Willy style all in it." GET JIGGY WITH IT!
Hello, how are you? I'm wicked busy. I've got a huge Memorial day weekend planned, and that means a lot of preparation! I'm glad Monday's a holiday or I'd be in trouble. Actually, since I don't work, it doesn't really matter if Monday's a holiday or not. Anyway, I can still be busy though, right? RIGHT! Here's what I'm doing this weekend:
1) Karen (that's my lamb) stinks. So I'm taking her to the salon for a wash/cut and a mani/pedi.
2) Read a Captain America comic.
3) Work on my non-fiction novel wherein I debunk a bunch of bible stories.
4) Skateboard!
5) Take Grandma Christ to her bingo game. BOOOOORING!
6) Learn all the words to that song, "I like the cars—the cars that go BOOM!"
7) Spend an entire day speaking like Fat Albert.
8) Remove all the energy-efficient light bulbs from my house. They suck. (Pardon my French.)
9) Stage a fight between my rubber dinosaur and my Jar Jar Binks figurine.
10) You know those joke cans of peanuts where snakes pop out? I want to make a joke can of snakes where peanuts pop out.
11) Eat three boxes of Popeye's chicken.
12) Challenging Trudy to an Indian leg wrestling match, and then defending myself against the name's inherent racism.
13) Rent Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh!
14) Rock out to the Spice Girls.
15) Chase a car while barking like a dog. Have you ever done this? It's wicked fun!16) Stilt walking!
17) Call everyone on the Mo-Mu page of the phone book, and tell them I like them.
18) Look at my collection of postcards that depict monkeys eating meatballs.
19) Floss.
20) Remember that every day can be really fun — especially those that start at the mall.
Have a great weekend, everybody!
Hello. And you are fine, I trust? Excellent. Yesterday we talked about the intrinsic power of "the high five." Today, we talk about how life is better when you wear a cape. (By the way, I'm practicing to be a "motivational speaker." Remember when I said I needed to make a little extra money to buy Captain Janeway figurines from the Star Trek: Voyager show? This is how I intend to do it. I'm gonna dream up a bunch of different ways for people to feel better, then I'm going to travel around from Holiday Inn conference room to Holiday Inn conference room, charging people for my awesome ideas. I won't charge you, though, because I like you, and I don't believe in charging my friends to make them happy.)
Where was I? Oh, yes! Life is better when you wear a cape. Example: Today I said to myself, "I'm going to wear a cape." So I did. And not a big dumb go-t0-the-opera cape, but a cute red "Look at me, I'm Superman" cape. And since I had some extra fabric, I also made a tiny cape for Karen (that's my lamb). Then we went down to the mall, and and ran up and down the concourse with our capes flowing behind us! It felt great!
That is, until Jasper (he's the mall security guy) came along.
"Jesus," he said with more than a note of exasperation in his voice. "What are you doing?"
"Karen and I are FLYING!" I yelled. "See ya!!"
"Hold on there, Jesus," he said. "You can't fly in the mall."
"We aren't really flying, Jasper. You can see that, can't you?"
"Well, you also can't run around acting like a crazy person, either," he said.
"Umm… why not?"
"Because this is the MALL. Crazy isn't allowed here."
As we later learned, "crazy" also isn't allowed in the grocery store, car dealerships, and funeral homes. But you know what? That didn't stop Karen and myself. We went to the park jogging track and hid in the bushes. Then when someone would jog by, we'd sneak out… and then RUN PAST THEM REALLY FAST, YELLING, "WE CAN FLY!!!"
Turns out that kind of crazy isn't allowed either, and Karen and I got a warning ticket from the park patrol for "unnecessarily scaring people." (Is giving a lamb a warning ticket even legal?)
Regardless, we had a FANTASTIC FUN DAY. And I would like to congratulate "the cape" for making it happen. So… okay… I guess the moral is: Wear a cape today!
[Be sure to join me for my next motivational speech at the Ramada Inn near the airport. It only costs $100 and 37 cents.]
Hey there, people who like to read! How are you? I'm feeling so great, I want to give you a… HIGH FIVE!
That was a test. When I said I wanted to give you a "high five," did it make you feel weird? Many of you are saying, "Yes." And if I were to ask you why, you would say, "Because high fives are not only old-timey, they are often indicaters of the kind of meathead behavior often attributed to frat boys and douchebags." (Pardon your French.)
"NOT SO," I SAY!
Handing out "high fives"—and especially "jumping high fives"—is one of the most enthusiastic life-affirming gestures you can do for someone. Giving someone a high five says, "I don't think you're doing a good job… I think you're doing a GREAT job!"
Take today for example. I was passing by a hemorroid clinic and decided to go inside. (I currently do not have hemorroids, I was just curious what a hemorroid clinic would be like.) But when I went inside? Holy cats, what a BUMMER. Everybody in there was super depressed—but I guess I can imagine why. So I said, "Who's in charge here?" And a doctor came out and said, "Me, Dr. Dunderserenson." (Or something like that.) "Well, Dr. Dunderserenson," I said. "HIGH FIVE!!"
Perhaps unsurprisingly, he left me hanging.
"Why do you want a high five, sir?" he asked dejectedly. "I don't want a high five," I said. "I'm giving a high five! Because anyone who works on people's hemorroids really deserves a… HIGH FIVE!"
"You know… you're right!" he said, and gave me a super-high jumping high five! And by the time I left, everybody was giving high fives. (Except that one guy who was getting a hemorroid snipped. He said he would catch me later.)
So what are you waiting for, America? There are a lot of people out there who are doing their best just to get through the day. Make the world a better place, and help them out with a… HIGH FIVE!
(Hint: You might want to bring some sanitizer along. Some people's hands are disgusting.)
Buenos dias, amigos. Que hora es? Wait... that's not right. Cómo es usted? Look at me! I'm speaking SPANISH! And… now I'm done. Because that's all I know. Here's something I learned today: If you eat a corndog while walking down the street, people look at you funny. I was taking Karen (that's my lamb) for her noon walk, when suddenly I was STARVING! It was a real tricky situation, because when I get low blood sugar, I get super testy, and the closest Arbys was like, ten blocks away. So I stopped into 7-11 to get a corndog, just to tide me over until I could eat five beef 'n' cheddars. (For only five bucks? Such a deal!)
So anyway, I'm walking down the street with Karen on her leash, eating my corndog, and people start staring at me and laughing. At first I thought I had some toilet paper on my sandal, but I didn't. Yet people were laughing anyway! So when this postman starts laughing, I stop him and say, "Hey. You're a postman, right?" And he's like, "Yeah?" And I'm like, "Well, then in a sense, you're my employee, right? So answer this question: Why are you laughing at me?"
And he was all like, "Ummm… because you're Jesus, and you're walking a lamb, and you're eating a corndog."
I don't get that.
See, I hate to complain, but this is just the kind of pooh-pooh (Pardon my French) that really makes me angry. Anybody else in the world can walk their lamb and eat their corndog in peace, but when I do it? Everybody gets all laffy-taffy!
And it's because of all this dumb Christianity stuff! I read a report today that said Christianity (in all its many forms) tops the list as the world's most popular religion. Like, BY A MILE. Christianity has roughly 2.1 billion followers, compared to Islam (coming in at #2) which has 1.3 billion. The list continues like that all the way down to Scientology (which at #22, only has 500 thousand followers). I know it's not a competition, but I was pretty psyched to see that. I really despise those Scientology freaks.
But here's my point! The only reason Christianity beats out those other religions is because it has more sub-religions than all the rest. Everybody jumps on the Christianity bandwagon including Catholics, Protestants, Methodists, Pentecostal, Anglicans, Latter Day Saints, Evangelicals, Baptists, Southern Baptists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Quakers, etc., etc., etc., so it's no wonder they are the top religion in the world, and it's no wonder everybody laughs at me when I walk down the street walking my lamb and eating a corndog!
BECAUSE THERE ARE 2.1 BILLION PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW WHO I AM, AND WHAT I WANT, YET NO ONE EVER THINKS TO ASK ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING!!!
Sorry. I get upset sometimes.
Life is good. I just need to remember that. Corndogs are good, too! In fact, after talking to the postman, I went back to 7-11 for three more.
