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Hey. What's up. That's good. I'm soooooooooo bummed. So you remember how I was so hyped up to have a date with my dentist, Dr. Jessica Hovley, right? And how I actually went out and bought a new pair of loafers for the occasion? Well, those were the biggest waste of new loafers I've ever bought in my life. My date… was HORRIBLE. I mean, I've got mixed feelings about abortions, but if I could've aborted that date before it started, I would've done it! NOTHING WENT RIGHT. What follows is a litany of my date with Dr. Jessica Hovley, who I never want to see again… even professionally!
1. When I went to her house to pick her up, the first thing she said was, "Where's your car?" And I said, "I don't drive a car. I either walk, ride my bike or take the bus." And she was like, "Who are you? Forrest Gump?"
2. She was deadset against going to Quiznos, and forced us to eat in some sketchy Ethiopian place. And she was all like, "What's your problem? I thought you were from Ethiopia?" And I was like, "Yeah, but there's a reason America's better, and that's Quiznos!"
3. During the entire meal, all she talked about was what a "d-word" (Pardon my French) her ex-boyfriend was. Then when she finally got around to asking about MY life, she got all grossed out by the spikes-through-the-wrist part! Hey, baby! I'M THE VICTIM HERE! I'M SORRY IF MY BRUTAL TORTURE "GROSSES YOU OUT"!
4. Instead of going to see Are We Done Yet?, she insisted we attend a poetry slam. Frankly, if given the choice? I'll take the cross.
5. By this point, I was so ready to get out of there, I offered to pay for her cab ride. And she was all like, "Aren't you coming home with me?" And I was all like, "Ummmmmmm… no." And she was all like, "What are you? QUEER?" And I was all like, "Ummmmmmm… yeah. Gotta go!" And I ran like the dickens! (Pardon my French.)
Anyway, it was awful! And when I called Trudy the bank teller (she works at the bank) to tell her how awful it was, she started laughing… and I tried to get mad, but I started laughing, too. I guess it was pretty funny. Anyway, the next day, Trudy and I went bike riding, and it was really fun. Everytime I would ask her a question, she'd reply, "What are you? QUEER?" and I'd say, "Ummmm… Yeah!" And ride off really fast. We laughed all day long.
I'm never letting Dr. Jessica Hovley touch my teeth again. I mean, c'mon! Who doesn't like Quiznos?
Hello! Hope you are fine, because I have a date! And it's with the most beautiful woman in the world… Dr. Jessica Hovley! OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY! I can't believe I actually asked her, but after going back and forth about it for a couple of days, I finally just said, "Oh, fish sticks! (Pardon my French.) I'm just going to do it." So I called her office today, and said, "Dr. Jessica Hovley, I think you're pretty, and I wish you would go out on a date with me." AND SHE SAID YES! I tell you, at that moment, I felt like I was back in heaven!
Then I panicked.
What am I going to wear? Where am I going to take her? Should I kiss her? What if she tries to kiss me, before I kiss her? What if we try to kiss at the same time, and chicken out? What if I try to kiss her, chicken out, and then try to kiss her again, but she is so totally disinterested at that point, she doesn't want to kiss me at all? Who's going to babysit Karen? (That's my lamb.)
So I calmed down, and called my friend Trudy the bank teller to give me some advice. For some reason she didn't pick up, so I left her a voice mail asking all those questions and she still hasn't gotten back to me. I wonder if she's still mad? I really don't understand her problem with Dr. Jessica Hovley. Maybe she hates dentists?
Anyway, I've decided to go all out, and buy some new Lucky jeans, a Ralph St. Lauren shirt, and some new loafers. I also bought some Axe body spray. And then I was thinking I'll take her to Quiznos (I hear they have a new Peppercorn Parmesan Turkey with Bacon sandwich I've been itching to try). Then maybe a movie? I'm thinking either Ice Cube's Are We Done Yet?, or Disturbia. Mostly I just like saying the name. Distuuurbiahhh. Distuuurbiahhh. "Dr. Hovley, may I interest you in a trip to Distuuurbiahhh?"
Anyway, the date is tomorrow night (Saturday), so if you have any advice, leave it in the comments section quick!
Wouldn't it be great if we got married? Maybe we could move to Distuuurbiahhh. Ha! LOL! ROTF. Just kidding. I do want to marry her, though.
Hello. How are you, I'm going CRAZY. This whole Dr. Jessica Hovley thingy is driving me bananas. If you don't know what I'm talking about, Dr. Jessica Hovley is my dentist, AND I LOVE HER. But she doesn't know I love her! That should pretty much catch you up.
So I haven't been able to sleep, because all I do is thrash around all night and wonder, "Should I ask Dr. Hovley out on a date, or should I not ask Dr. Hovley out on a date? Should I ask Dr. Hovley out on a date, or should I not ask Dr. Hovley out on a date?" Then I get up and eat breakfast, wondering, "Should I ask Dr. Hovley out on a date, or should I not ask Dr. Hovley out on a date? Should I ask Dr. Hovley out on a date, or should I not ask Dr. Hovley out on a date?" Things have gotten so out of hand, Karen (she's my lamb) pooped on the floor in protest! I kind of think it was a warning shot across the bow, however, because she chose to poop next to the heater instead of on my new cardigan sweater only two feet away. It's a nice sweater. I bought it from The Gap.
So here's my problem: I don't know whether I should ask Dr. Hovley out on a date, or if I should not ask Dr. Hovley out on a date. To help me decide, I wrote out a list of pros and cons:
PRO: I want to kiss her all over her cute face.
CON: She might dislike me.
Again, that about sums it up. And it's not just Karen that's peed-off (Pardon my French), my friend Trudy the bank teller (she works at the bank) is still mad at me from yesterday (the "hot dog on a stick incident"). How do I know? Well, I called up Trudy, and was all like, "I'm sorry about yesterday. Are we cool?" And she was all like, "Yeah, I guess we're cool." And I was all like, "So what are you up to?" And she was all like, "Not much. What are you up to?" And I was all like, " I was just wondering should I ask Dr. Hovley out on a date, or should I not ask Dr. Hovley out on a date?"
AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME!
I kinda don't get it. I hate it when Karen and I fight.
Did you see American Idol last night? It was stupid. I wonder if I should ask Dr. Hovley out on a date?
Hi. How are you, fine I hope, I'm in LOVE! That's right. I decided last night… well actually over breakfast… that I am in love with my dentist, Dr. Jessica Hovley. As you know from yesterday's post, I visited my new dentist and instead of hating her, I thought she was hot. Plus—and I don't know this for a fact—but I think she likes me. She totally winked at me when she said, "Don't forget to floss," AND she told me I had "handsome choppers."
So I made two poached eggs this morning, some toast and soy sausage, and made a decision: I AM IN LOVE WITH DR. JESSICA HOVLEY, AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT IT.
Especially my friend Trudy, who is a bank teller. Sometimes we go to the mall food court on her lunch break from the bank. So today we were having a hot dog on a stick from Hot Dog on a Stick, and when I told Trudy I was in love with Dr. Jessica Hovley, she got all mad!
"You don't even know this woman," Trudy barked. "How would you know if you're in love? Besides she could be married!"
And I was all like, "She can't be married, she winked at me. I tell you, she was definitely digging my scene."
And you won't believe what happened next! Trudy threw down her hot dog on a stick, and yelled "FINE, why don't you marry her then!" Then she stomped off.
I really don't get why Trudy can't just be happy that I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. On the upside, however, I got to eat the rest of her hot dog on a stick.
Bye!
Hey, what's new? That's interesting, but listen to this. Remember yesterday when I said I hated dentists (especially my old dentist, the evil Dr. Siew) because they are always so mean to me, and treat me like I'm a huge inconvenience to everyone on the planet because I choose not to get my teeth whitened? And how I was going to visit a new dentist today, and if he climbed all up in my grill (so to speak) I was really going to tell him off? WELL, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. When I arrived at the dental clinic, I told the receptionist I was there to see Dr. Hovley (my new dentist), and the receptionist said, "She'll see you in just a moment."
She? SHE?? A woman dentist? As my favorite comedian Yakov Smirnoff always says: "What a country!"
Seriously, why didn't anyone think of this before? A woman dentist is perfect! You've never heard of a male gynecologist, right? That's because women are NICE, and understand what it's like for people to be poking around all inside of them—so for me, a woman dentist is just what the doctor ordered. GET IT?!?
Even better? Dr. Jessica Hovley is BEAUTIFUL. And soooo sweet! She didn't scold me once, and at one point even said, "Jesus, you have some really handsome choppers." WOW. Frankly, I don't even remember what she was doing in there. I just stared into those amazingly blue eyes as she scraped, prodded, drilled and used that weird noisy thing to suck all the saliva out of my mouth.
When it was over, she gave me a little bag with a new toothbrush and some Crest paste. Then she winked and said, "Now don't you forget to floss!"
I won't, Dr. Hovley. Whenever I scrape my tongue, or pick some meat out of my teeth, I'll give it everything I've got. Because Dr. Hovley… I'll be doing it for you. Dr. Hovley will want a husband with nice teeth.
There was a sale on socks at Target today, so I got six pairs. What a great day!
Hey. How's it going. Me? Not so great. Remember about a week ago when I said my teeth hurt? Well, as it turns out I have to go to the dentist tomorrow and I'm not at all happy about it! Here's an eternal truth: Dentists never have good news. I've gone to the doctor, and I've received good news. I've gone to the veterinarian and received good news. But dentists? NO WAY. They are the buzz-stompers of the medical community. I actually had to quit my previous dentist because he was such a bummer. I called him "the evil Dr. Siew." He was some Chinese guy I think, and everytime I came in for a visit, he'd dream up some new way of charging me two thousand dollars. "OH, this is not good, Mr. Christ," he'd say, digging around in my mouth. "You have an abcess here, a large cavity there, and your gums have receded into your jawbone. You, Mr. Christ, have a very challenging mouth." OH, I'M SO SORRY, DR. SIEW. I'M SOOOOO SORRY MY MOUTH IS "CHALLENGING" AND YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING.
Well, I'm going to a NEW dentist tomorrow, and I'm not taking any crap! (Pardon my French.) The second he gets all negative, and starts insulting the teeth my dad gave me, I'm gonna tell him off, but good! "Look here, Mr. Fancy Pants!" I'll say. "They gave you a degree in dentistry, and not in drippery. You are nothing but a glorified garage mechanic, so cut with the 'tut-tutting,' climb under the hood, and fix it. And when you're finished? THANK ME for bringing you my business. And YES, I floss! Every stinking day! (Pardon my French!)"
The fun part about going to the dentist is afterwards when I always eat a pint of KFC's mashed potatoes and gravy. It's soooooo goood. But what I hate is waiting around for the novacaine to wear off, and listening to all my friends yell, "Hey, Jesus had a stroke!"
I wish I had some novacaine when I was on the cross, though. That would've helped.
You know how some days you really feel dumb, and other days you feel really funny? Today I'm really funny! Example: You know how I really don't like cursing, right? I don't mind if other people say curse words—it just makes me feel uncomfortable when I do it. Like, instead of the "s" word, I'll say "sugar," or instead of the "f" word, I'll say "fuddy-dud," or instead of the "c" word, I'll say "cungerella." That kind of thing. So I was talking to my friend Trudy—the bank teller— on the phone today, and once again she was complaining about her job, and how the managers never treat her right. "The bosses always interrupt my lunch break," she says, or "they always make sexual remarks about my nude pantyhose," or "when I work the drive-thru teller window the microphone smells like feet." Anyway, after listening to her complain for 20 minutes, she finally ends her rant by saying, "Seriously! It's as if all that bank cares about is money!"
And I'm all like—get this— "No 's', Herlock."
SEE?? See what I did there? Instead of saying "No [blank], Sherlock," I just took the "s" off the front end of "Sherlock," and since I was talking to a girl, it became "Herlock"! No "S", Herlock! ISN'T THAT FUNNY?
I thought it was hilarious! In fact, I was laughing so hard at my joke, I couldn't hear anything Trudy was saying to me, so she hung up. HA! I'm laughing about it now! I tell you, I'm regular Wayland Flowers and Madame!
I'm thinking about buying a cowboy hat. Will that make me look stupid?
